Yoblazer ranks the male Brawl roster in order of how much poon tang they can get
yoblazer ranks the male Brawl roster in order of how much poon tang they can get was a topic that was exactly what it sounds like. The hilarious thread was created in October of 2009, but ended up being closed by mods before the rankings were finished. Anagram cracked a Kanye West joke about it. The Rankings 31. Lucas Even if you disregard his geeky looks and clearly pre-pubescent age and body type, this kid will never get a slice of pie. He's a complete coward in the Subspace Emissary, making Ness look ballsier than Leon freaking Kennedy. It's true in life, the video game world, and in these ranking topics: an insufferably meek dweeb who runs from fights will never get the girls. Lucas falls in dead last, even below the characters I'm not even sure have sexual organs and the ones who would have no logical desire to ever have sex EVER. Enjoy your ice casting powers, you cowardly little bastard; you'll need them for a lifetime of cold showers. 30. Toon Link Link is, in all of his iterations, one of the most selfless and heroic characters in gaming history. Unfortunately for his legion of screaming fangirls, he also strikes me as the type who'd rather rescue a talking leaf from a hellish dungeon than ask a nice Hylian gal if she'd like her Gerudo Valley plowed. This is true of all Links, but Toon Link has the added innocence of an even younger youth (we know "Classic Link" as a teen, but Toon Link is like 10 at most) and an art style that would fit right at home on a Disney Saturday morning cartoon line-up. Link's the man, but get your head out of the gutter, ya freaks. It ain't happening here. 29. Popo When you've got a chick who literally hangs on to you 24/7 for fear of losing her life and *STILL* wind up on the bottom of this list, it kinda says a lot. Just look at this guy. You goddamn know Nana isn't ****ing him. She probably uses those Ice Climber polar bears or weird round furry guys to get off during their expeditions, and Popo has to either pretend he's not looking or go "survey the tracks ahead" which basically means he's going to rub one out while doused in tears that freeze before they hit the ground. I imagine the sick bastard might take Nana to heights too extreme, wherein she passes out from the cold or lack of oxygen, and he has his way with her. But that is rape, and it is not something I will reward or condone. Sick bastard. 28. Diddy Kong I know he's an animal, and that animals are known for ****ing like, well, animals, but I just can't get that impression about Diddy Kong. The backwards cap, the flung banana peels, the high-pitched simian howls of enthusiasm - Diddy is just too innocent and strikes me as an ape more at home collecting baseball cards than he is chasing ass. Plus, the dominant brute DK likely has a monopoly on all the ladies in their monkey village, including the voluptuous Candy Kong and probably even Dixie Kong. Like I said, animals. 27. R.O.B. R.O.B. is a robot. He's not organic, is mass-produced in a factory, and has no need whatsoever for sexual organs or a desire for the act of sex. The fact that he's not in last place should tell you something about the nature of his competition. Truth be told, he'll probably never get any again, and the only reason he outranks four guys is because he likely has a few parts that can be modified into functional sex toys, a revelation Peach surely discovered during the Subspace Emissary. 26. Pit This might be a controversial placement. After all, Pit is heroic, he certainly looks of age, and he's a pretty handsome angel if I do say so myself. Like Link, however, the problem here is Pit's attitude. I have no doubt he'd be able to get plenty of rumpous maximus if he wished it, but he just strikes me as too much of a boy scout. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and Pit's version of heaven is filled with nude frolicing with Palutena, but that would surprise me. 25. Kirby No one is sure if Kirby is even packing a peter. Additionally, I'm relatively confident he's asexual, yet he finds himself ranked ahead of half a dozen others. This is because the cute little guy has such a voracious appetite that I'm absolutely certain he has mistaken a girl's girly parts for actual food on many occasions. When you're Kirby, boobs look like melons, butts look like big ol' round peaches, and that special place looks like a tasty taco (some of the run down, ravaged females in the Nintendo universe probably smell like Mexican food down there, anyway). Kirby himself probably tastes like marshmallows, which makes it all the more enticing for the ladies to tongue bath anything protruding from his round little body. 24. Link This guy could be #1. NUMBER ONE. He can easily be the top guy here if he had any desire for it. Throughout the legendary Zelda mythos, how many women have thrown themselves at Link? How many would have fulfilled any perverted, nasty desire he might have had? ALL OF THEM. The answer is ALL OF THEM. Hylian women, Kokiri women, Zora women, bird women, alien women from another dimension - they've all had a hankering for some grade-A elf meat. And they never get it, at least not voluntarily. I've played through many a Zelda game, and I know my boy Link well enough to know for a fact that he has never been after the carnal pleasures, not once. He risks his tail, saves someone from the jaws of death, gets offered a very hit-able piece of booty, and what does he do? He passes it up to go risk his tail to save someone else (usually a fat guy or a 6-ton Goron or something). He really is the Jesus Christ of the video game world - he risks it all for everyone else, and demands nothing in return. But that doesn't stop the ladies from trying, and I'm not even talking about the damned video game girls now. Link has an army of REAL LIFE fangirls more numerous than all those Backstreet Boys and N'Sync groupies of the late 90s. These REAL LIFE girls would murder their damn boyfriends for one sniff of Link's crotch. Think it's far-fetched? There are probably three or four said real life girls reading this right now. spork, ngirl, Ryoko, goddamn TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG. You would let Link **** on your chest. Seriously, if Link asked to **** on your chest, you'd only ask to remove your expensive new bra beforehand. And then you'd enjoy it. And then no one would blame you. Because he is Link. And that's why he outranks a handful of guys. Even though Link has never wanted it and probably runs away from it in order to save incompetent morons in distress, his throng of wannabe lovers is just too damned persistent. I am sure there have been cases where a lady has gotten the jump on him, tied him up, and humped his bones dry. That earns him his place. 23. Ness Oh my god, Ness ahead of Link?!?! Hey, every good list should have a bit of controversy, and this one is no different. At first glance, Ness seems to be identical to Lucas. They're both young, short, geeky looking kids. However, Ness impressed me a lot more with his heroism and confidence during the Subspace Emissary, and such behavior usually goes over well with the ladies (it's also one of the only resources I have for ranking these characters I don't know jack-poop about outside of Smash). Also, while this may sound offensive or even racist, I just get a different vibe from Ness than I do from Lucas. Lucas is the helpless, blond little apple-pie eating kid who's trading baseball cards on the sidewalk. Ness, on the other hand, looks a bit more deviant and more Asian (in that kinky Asian way we're ALL familiar with so let's not even try to act politically correct), kinda like that Japanese kid on American Dad. But yeah, whereas I can't picture it with Lucas, I can easily see Ness using his psychic powers to part a girl's cheeks and dive in there for a PSI-powered buffet. Star Man? More like Rod Man, am I rite guys. 22. Pokemon Trainer Yes, he's young. Yes, he lives in a very PG-rated universe. But you know what, the Pokemon Trainer/Red/Ash (yes, I'm merging them all, save the hate plz) has still gotten some action. While his age and undying devotion to Pokemon training make me assume he's not aggressively pursuing a greater knowledge of all things coital, I've still come to know him as more or less a regular kid. And at that age, folks, regular kids have more on their minds than Magikarps and ****. Think about it, in any of his iterations, the PT is out there on his own - no momma, no daddy, no bedtime, and an entire damn world of bone-able babes left unfulfilled. Ash is with Misty 24/7 for Pete's sake, and you're meaning to tell me that those youngsters have never experimented? And there's Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny, freakin JESSE (James is one of my favorite cartoon characters ever, but a big fat LOL if you think he either can or would care to satisfy Jesse). Plus, there are loads of other female trainers roaming the landscape, most of them without a Lickitung and with no other way to hit the sack with a smile, save for dashing young male PTs like our own hero here. Plus, we have to keep in mind that PT is a very highly ranked (the highest ranked?) trainer, which in the world of Pokemon, is equivalent to being the heavyweight champion, Superbowl winning quarterback, and hot new rock star all in one. While the PT could be atop this list in a few years, I think the young tyke is still hauling some respectable booty. Also Ash>Red, drown in dem tears HATAZ 21. Meta Knight Meta Knight, international man of mystery. MK might rank a bit higher up on this list if he weren't a part of the sex-void known as the Kirby universe. Admittedly, he does have a few flaws: he is a bit weird looking, and judging by his spastic, 1000mph nature in Brawl, he probably blows his Meta Load in 15 seconds - not good for keeping the ladies coming back. That said, our spherical knight is mysterious, extremely confident, and owns a humongous-ass ship - all fine qualities for getting the boo-tay. Like the next guy on our list, Meta Knight seems too preoccupied with his own goals (not sure what they are, myself) to actively pursue sex, but he certainly doesn't seem the type to turn it down when the opportunity presents itself. I think the opportunity has presented itself a fair number of times. 20. Lucario The Aura Pokemon is pretty similar to our last entrant, Meta Knight. They're both mysterious, confident, and seem to be preoccupied with goals that take precedence over unrestrained sex romps. While Lucario doesn't have a bigass ship for cruising and picking up the honeys, he is fortunate to live in the world of Pokemon, where opportunities for X-rated adventures seem more rife. He's got many different Pokemon species to choose from, but the problem with Lucario is that he seems too arrogant, almost as if he's above it all and would scoff at nailing anything less than a Gardevoir. Mr. Aura does have an ace up his sleeve, however - a small army of real life furry fans. These are people who seem quite interested in the idea of "yiffing" Lucario, a process I am not truly familiar with but one I assume does not involve Pokemon training of any sort. I will not investigate this matter further. 19. Ike I originally had a place for Ike higher up the list, but recent revelations have forced me to alter things a bit. For someone who knows the swordsman exclusively from Smash (me), he's got a ton of things going for him. First and foremost, he's from the world of Fire Emblem, which I've come to learn is easily Nintendo's most mature. The series deals with such themes as war, family feuding, and even incest, so it doesn't take a leap of faith to assume debauchery and raunchiness are more common here than they are in Kirby or Tom Nook's neck of the woods. Secondly, dude's a stud. He's young, handsome, fights for his goddamn friends, and wields a mighty sword with one hand. Maybe the fact that he *can* weild a two-handed sword with one hand should have been a hint, but eh, I had high hopes for Ike. High hopes until they were dashed... by you. Apparently, Ike has always had a bit of Link-itis, a disease that, while great for the rest of us, really does a number on the subject's booty handling abilities. Ike, like Link, would apparently rather run away and fight for his friends than handle dat ass. Even so, the more R-rated Fire Emblem world alone should be a nice boost for Ike, as do his natural looks and charms. Make no mistake, the master of Aether gets some, but not nearly as much as he would if it were his sole intention. But still, he gets some, and thus, will get no sympathy from me. 18. King Dedede The last of the Kirby trio places at 18th. It's not a bad showing from Dedede, but no Kirby character cracked the top half, which is a testament to their cutesy world, a world that makes Pixar movies look like German dungeon porn. King Dedede is not as cute as Kirby or as intriguing as Meta Knight, but the opulent ruler is royalty personified. He's presented as the series antagonist, but I don't think Dedede is evil; rather, he just really really enjoys living it up as king. He sports a ****ing bombass purple robe, has servants carry him around everywhere, and greedily scarfs down everything in sight. He's a big glutton, plain and simple, and I get the feeling his hunger is not satiated by food alone. The big guy wants some poontang; just look at that devilish grin on his face and tell me he's thinking about radishes. And as the big cheese of whatever the hell Kirby's world is called, I think he gets it more than his minions or challengers alike. And for the love of god, people, purple robe. Read the clues a little. 17. Falco Lombardi Controversy galore! Let me explain myself before you all use bombs (wisely!!) on my ass. Falco has nearly all the tools needed to do well on this list. He's from the anthropomorphic world of Star Fox, a series that instantly gets the real furry furry fetishists in a frenzy. He's a crack space pilot, has all the confidence in the world, can bust a one-liner like nobodies business, and shares his name with one of the best coaches in professional sports history. Yeah, Falco was headed for the top ten with a bullet. But then I noticed something. Look at Falco's god damned beak. I mean, just look at it. That thing can be used as a can opener. Hell, it can probably puncture holes in Star Wolf's "better ships." I don't care how accomplished and confident he is, women are going to have a hard time letting him taste the tang with that pelvis-breaker on his face. Falco probably still has a great amount of regular old "knocking boots" sex, but dear lord, oral is ****ing out of the question, and that's half the poontang battle right there. 16. Captain Olimar In terms of the criteria laid (lol) out for this list, Captain Olimar is hands-down our most ordinary and boring entrant, which makes him a perfect separator between the bottom and top 15. Let me say this as clearly as possible: I do not think Olimar had sex with his Pikmin. Not during his time on Earth (or whatever planet the Pikmin were on, anyway). He just seemed like far too decent a guy to take advantage of the little creatures risking their lives to save him. That, and he was pressed for time to get off the damn rock, so I doubt photosynthetic poontang was anywhere near his to-do list. The man had to make haste, fix his ship, and get back to his wife! And therein lies the tang. Olimar had a loving wife who he mentioned often in his journal entries. He's a traditional married guy, so I doubt the sex was incredible, but he's hardworking and courageous, so I bet it was frequent. It must have been spectacular when he returned from his near-disastrous trip, though. 15. Wario Dear god, I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure if I have what it takes to tell you about Wario. We've covered well over a dozen characters right now, and certainly, not all of them have been studs. Some are cowardly. Some are round. Some are strange. But none of them are like Wario, because Wario is an ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING FATBODY. I have no idea what the brain trust at Nintendo were thinking when they greenlighted this character. Wario burps and picks his nose. He has a laugh that make grown men cringe. He farts with enough force to send his own fat ass hurtling through the air, has a stomach that makes up like 60% of his total putrid body mass, and he's got a gigantic outie belly button that's probably larger than his stubbly, hairy dick. Wario is an affront to all things good and gentle in the world, and just thinking about him is enough to revile me at times (like, 100% of times, ever). And yet he made it onto the top half of this list. Sweet lord almighty, how can this be? How can Wario, who possesses no positive qualities whatsoever, be ranked so far ahead of someone like Link (whose sweat smells like rosewater and can cure child cancer)? It's because Wario. Will ****. ANYTHING. Seriously, this guy are sick. There is absolutely no shame, no standards, and no opportunity gone to waste with Wario. Wario will GLADLY go down on Peach after Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi have given her an Italiano-Reptilian flogging. He'll stick his hand, tongue, wang, and whatever else he can think of into Birdo's creepy nose-mouth thing. He'll bone a goddamned Goomba if he's not hungry enough to eat it first. A Koopa Troopa who thinks retracting into his shell will save him is WRONG DEAD WRONG when Wario rounds the corner. Wario will lick the skid marks from Daisy's most soiled pair of panties and call it a job well done. You know how a defeated Bowser is always seen falling off the screen or blasting off into oblivion at the end of SMB games? Yeah, Wario is waiting for him. With horrifying intentions. And that pretty much wraps up Wario. No decent woman will ever voluntarily, lucidly give it up, but Wario more than makes up for that by taking advantage of any, and I mean *ANY*, opportunity that presents itself. WA WA WAAAAAAA!!!! 14. Bowser Yes, the joke has been around for over two decades. It's probably the oldest and most regurgitated dirty joke in gaming history: Bowser is banging Peach whenever he kidnaps her creamy white ass. Is it true? In a word, yes. It is true. Whenever Bowser kidnaps the Mushroom Kingdom princess, he has sex with her. Every time. Every game. For all these years. Based on the frequency of these kidnappings coupled with Bowser's status as the iron-fisted ruler of all Mario baddies, one would assume that he'd be higher up the list. Well, sorry to rain on the parade of hundreds of fan-fiction authors at once, but I just don't get the feeling that Bowser is in it for sex. The Koopa King just seems far more preoccupied trying to one-up Mario just once in his miserly old life. In fact, I'm relatively certain he only bangs Peach at all to make Mario feel awful, even though he knows deep down that Mario is a big freak and will just enjoy inserting his entire head into Peach's newly enlarged ***** ****** (ew). I've often gotten the impression that Bowser is like a modern day Wile E. Coyote, a talented and powerful force that is so obsessed with a single frivolous goal that he misses on the wonderful things all around him. I, for one, hope my man will finally get the last laugh against Mario so that the next time he drills Peach, it'll be for all the right reasons. 13. Yoshi! The lovable dino scores himself a damn good spot on the list despite encountering one glaring problem in the quest for some prehistoric tail. Yes, he's cute. He's, he's got real life fangirls (although, in this case, I am unsure of said fangirls' desire to actually **** him). Yes, he's an animal and is almost certainly prone to animal urges. However, the problem persists. You see, Yoshi's problem (unless I've forgotten about some minute series detail that'll surely be pointed to me by a dozen nerds) is that there don't appear to be any female Yoshis!!! Man, not having any opposite-sex members throughout your entire species has gotta be a buzzkill, and it would have destroyed Yoshi's placement on this list... had it not been for his savior. http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/images/peach/peach.jpg Meet Princess Peach, a noble lady who, despite appearing unassuming and naive, has picked up more mileage over the years than every hooker in Liberty City combined. You name it, and Peach has done it or had it done to her, bless her heart. While she admittedly prefers the Mario Bros. themselves, they're not always around. When Luigi is out mackin' on Daisy and when Mario is in boardroom meetings with Reggie and Iwata, Peach has no qualms with using her pet for relief, and you're living in a damn world of denial if you think otherwise. Seriously, Yoshi sticks that tongue of his so far up Peach's breadbox that it actually tickles all the way up her anatomy and up through her mouth, wherein he start to French kiss her, proving that he is the one and only cunnilingus-make-out-master, an art I have personally attempted but never accomplished (how's that for a run-on sentence you pervs). In addition to its fruity exploits, Yoshi's tongue is also a perfect fit for Birdo's nose/mouse thing (yes, Birdo is getting TWO mentions in this list - my god, I've lost it), and I can't pretend that nothing's going on there. All in all, these perversions of the mind and body net Yoshi his respectable place. Go Angels. 12. Mr. Game&Watch Note: Works best with text-to-image OFF * http://i38.tinypic.com/e6eyxc.jpg * http://i37.tinypic.com/6e3e3m.jpg * http://i37.tinypic.com/2nltul2.jpg * http://i34.tinypic.com/2wddg79.jpg * http://i36.tinypic.com/2uny5p2.jpg * http://i34.tinypic.com/jkzhi8.jpg Rankings 11 to 1 may never be known, thanks to someone marking the topic and getting it closed prematurely. Category:User Projects